Introduction

Someone once said (I'm not sure, but I think it might have been my mother!), that a new born baby is the only new product on the market today that leaks at both ends, and yet you can't take it back. Even though we can't, all of us parents have probably at one time or another wanted to do just that. Like it or not-and I believe that it is perfectly normal to not like it at times-we have all been given the honor, the responsibility, and the privilege, of taking a "new product" that is far from perfect, far from complete, and applying our influences to create a healthy, responsible, productive human being. No instruction booklet comes with this new and incomplete product, and much of the time we may feel like we are on our own to complete the assembly process.

There are many qualities and characteristics that a new born baby does not have that we parents are assigned the task of developing and creating; just to name a few; self control, independence, healthy self esteem, values, morals, and an attitude of responsibility. Because we are our kids' parents, it is our responsibility to make sure that these and many other characteristics are put in place and activated in their lives before they leave our home and our care.

Doing all that is required of us as parents is what this guidebook to raising great kids is all about. In it you will find no easy answers, no simple solutions. In fact, you might even at times be frustrated since reading this guidebook will ask you to look more at yourself and your efforts to be better parents, than at your kids and their behaviors. I cannot assure that all of your questions will be answered, or that everything you need to know to raise great kids will be found here. But I can assure you that in this guide to raising great kids, you will read about a great many ideas that will help you in your task, your responsibility, and your privilege of being the parent of your kids.

I can hear the skeptics now! "Yeah, right! All I have to do is follow the recipe found in this guy's book, and all my fears and problems as a parent will cease to exist! All I have to do is what this guy says works, and I can be a successful parent". "Nothing"' the skeptic goes on to think, " can be that easy".

The skeptics are right. Nothing, especially being the kind of parent our kids need can be that easy. There are no simple formulas that will alleviate the necessity of good old fashion hard work and sacrifice. The point of this guide is not to make parenting easy, but rather to just make good parenting a possibility. As parents entering the twenty first century, we desperately need a fighting chance in helping our kids grow up to be healthy and emotionally prosperous adults. The competition against our being successful at our task of parenting has never been greater. Never before have the odds been so stacked against our favor. What follows is not simple, but is simply a guide, an outline, if you will, that I strongly believe will bring the odds of being the successful parent you want to be back to your favor. Mistakes will still be made (I know that all too well first hand), but if you commit to doing what is suggested here in this guide to parenting, then your chances of succeeding at raising great kids will be enhanced, even though mistakes will still be made.

A core ingredient in raising great kids is self-esteem. I know that this term can easily be over used and misused The fact is, though, that kids who grow up having a clear and well balanced estimate of their worth and value, have a much better shot at growing up healthy and well-adjusted. Likewise, kids who are constantly wondering where they fit-if indeed, they fit at all-will have a more difficult time coping with the many pitfalls and struggles they will face in life.

When it comes to self-esteem and our kids, I have become convinced of three things: first, that the truly happy and healthy kids in this world are not necessarily those with fewer struggles; nor are they those with the greatest opportunities. The healthiest and greatest kids are those who know how to deal effectively with life's struggles. What lies at the core of our kids' ability to cope and deal well with "life's curve balls" is a strong sense of their own value and worth-a healthy and well-balanced self-esteem.

Secondly, I am convinced that our kids actually deserve to feel good about themselves, not because they are pretty or handsome, not even because they are intelligent. Our kids deserve to feel good about themselves not because their tennis shoes pump up as well as tie, or because of the label on their jeans. And they should not even have to earn the right to feel good about themselves by living up to the expectations we have of them. Our kids deserve to feel good about themselves simply because they are, simply because they exist. This does not mean that when they blow it, that our feeling disappointed, mad, hurt, or maybe even disgusted, is not appropriate and understandable. These negative responses, either from us or even from themselves, are indeed at times inevitable. Such necessary and appropriate negative responses do not, however, have to break their spirit or damage their self-esteem.

The third conviction I have is this: Our kids' self-esteem is designed. It doesn't just happen, it's not primarily genetics, and it's not luck of the draw. It's learned, and in large part, it is learned through our efforts to design how it is they grow up feeling about themselves. Our influence comes through our interactions with them and our messages to them about how we view and value them. Most often, the messages we send to our kids are subtle and often they are unconscious, but nonetheless, they help shape their view of themselves over a period of time.

Several years ago, I had the opportunity to observe the parenting skills of a mom and dad who had an office next to mine. During the time that I knew them both, their son would often spend time in their office after school and on the weekends. Every time he came, I became increasingly impressed with how they talked with their 10 year old son, how they would respond to him and his questions, how they would discipline him, and how they would treat him with healthy respect and equality, the same they expected from him.

It has never been my manner to comment and respond on the parenting skills of those people around me. I have always assumed that if anyone wanted my opinion, they would ask for it. In this case, however, I decided that this very impressive mom and dad would not mind if I told them what a good job I thought they were doing with their son. Upon complimenting them on their efforts, the mom smiled and related to me that they have often received comments on their son and his well-balanced nature. Invariably, she related, the comments from others would come in the form of something like, "You are so fortunate to have an easy child to raise". She went on to say that for the longest time the tone of the attempted compliment would irritate her since the implication was most often that their successes were due in large part to luck, and that they had given birth to an easy child to raise. One day it occurred to her to respond by smiling and saying, "Thanks. We designed him that way". A point well made since in fact, for the most part, they had designed him to be an "easy child".

This book is about how we parents can give our kids the messages that will help insure that they grow up to become adults who have a healthy view of their value and worth. This task of raising great kids who like themselves is not an easy one for any of us, and there are no guarantees since our influence-while incredibly strong and significant-is only one factor in designing how they develop and grow. How our kids develop is not totally and completely in our hands. Other factors, from genetic predisposition to peer pressures, enter into the mix of influences, too. And it is important to make this point as we begin as well; as they grow, our kids must take responsibility for their actions and their choices. They are not the total product of our mistakes; nor are they the total product of our successes. Rather, our kids are more a product of how they choose to respond to both our successes as their parents, and to our failures, as well.

However, since we are the first influence in their lives, and during their early years when they are so extremely moldable by messages they hear, observations they make, and the experiences they have, we are given an important head start on all the other influences that will soon bombard them. The more we are able to shape who they are before other experiences enter their world, the more likely it is that our positive influence will remain strong and significant when other influences we have little or no control over enter their world. This guidebook is written to insure that our impact on them is positive and constructive, and that our influence in their lives continues throughout their lifetime.

As I wrote my ideas about how to raise great kids-kids who like who they are, know what they have to offer others, and then offer it-I was confronted more than once by my own imperfections as a parent. At times it was painful recalling the flaws in my own efforts to be a successful parent. But then over and over too, I was reminded of how absolutely great (not perfect, but great) our two daughters, Ashley and Allyson have turned out in spite of our shortcomings and mistakes my wife and I made. I think this is because we were always working hard to put into practice the principles you are about to consider in this guidebook.

So I encourage you to set aside any perfectionistic tendencies you might have, and remind yourself as you read that your kids simply do not need perfect parents. What they do need is parents who love them, and who consistently try to be on the right track in their efforts to raise them. It is my hope that the following ideas and suggestions will help you accomplish this very difficult but exciting task.

Any parent who attempts to raise great kids would acknowledge that they are always looking for answers. Too often we fail at our efforts to find some of the answers that will help us become better parents because we are not asking the right questions. Rather than some of the more common questions we often ask ourselves, like, "Where have we gone wrong?", "Why won't Johnny ever listen?", "Why can't my kids be as easy to raise as the neighbor's kids?", "Why do they always prefer being at someone else's home than ours?", and, "Why me?", this first section will focus on some of the other more important questions that we parents must ask ourselves.

The first thing you will notice about all 21 questions, is that each one focuses on our efforts and what we can do, rather than on our kids and how they should change. It has always been a principle of mine that if we want to see a change (growth) in the other person (our kids), we must look at ourselves to see what part we might be playing in actually perpetuating and reinforcing (not causing, but reinforcing) the very behavior or attitude in the other person that we dislike. This principle applies in our role as parents, and as we tweak and fine tune our efforts and attitudes, we will most likely see growth in our kids, and in turn, in our relationship with them. This process of asking ourselves the right questions will help us tweak and fine tune our efforts as parents, and help insure that we will raise absolutely great kids.

As you consider the following 21 questions that successful parents ask themselves, I would also challenge you to focus on your own childhood, and to reexamine your relationship with your parents. A great deal can often be learned about how we parent by looking back at how we ourselves were parented.

The responsibility of raising great kids is an awesome task, but an exciting one, indeed.

21 Questions Successful
Parents Ask Themselves

1. Do I Respect My Kids?

2. What Do My Kids Hear Me Say About Them?

3. Do I Use Guilt To Get My Kids To Do What I Want?

4. Am I Motivated In My Actions Toward My Kids By My Own Guilt Feelings?

5. Do I Make Some Of The Same Mistakes With My Kids That My Parents Made With Me?

6. Do I Encourage Dependency On Myself That Meets My Need To Be Loved?

7. Do I Excessively Protect My Kids?

8. Am I Appropriately Available To My Kids?

9. Do I Focus More On My Kids' Positive, Or Negative Behaviors?

10. Do I Hold Grudges?

11. Am I Able To Say, "I'm Sorry. Will You Forgive Me?

12. " Am I Physical With My Kids?

13. Do I Teach My Kids How To Laugh At Themselves?

14. Do I Teach My Kids That It Is O.K. To Have Their Feelings, No Matter What Those Feelings Are?

15. Do I Encourage My Kids To Help, Even Though When They Do, It May Make The Task Longer, Or May Not Even Turn Out As Well?

16. Do I Show My Kids That They Really Matter?

17. Do I Listen To My Kids?

18. Do I Give My Kids As Many Choices In Life As Possible?

19. When My Kids Disappoint Me, Do They Have To Earn Back My Love And Approval?

20. Do I Establish Appropriate Guidelines Within Which My Kids Can Freely Function?

21. Do I Keep In Mind That It Is Normal For My Kids To Challenge My Authority? [via]