The Truth About Compatibility (2)

Compatibility is overrated. The similarities or personality traits that attract people to each other may not hold up over time. You might be attracted to someone because you both love to ski, but then one of you blows out a knee. When people are divorcing, they'll say, "We have nothing in common." But they have kids, a house and 30 years of shared experience. Values about money and children run very deep and are important. The surface ones—antiques, sports, travel and gourmet coffee—don't matter. —William J. Doherty, professor and marriage and family therapy program director, University of Minnesota

Sensitivity to the issue of compatibility may be in and of itself a sign of trouble. My research shows that there is no difference in the objective level of compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy. But the unhappy ones think compatibility is important to a good marriage—but don't think they have it. When people say, "We're incompatible," that usually means, "We don't get along very well." People overemphasize the effect of personality or values. And they underemphasize the extent to which easy, congenial temperaments aid marriages. —Ted Huston, psychology professor, University of Texas, who runs the PAIR project, a longitudinal study of married couples

People assume compatibility as a baseline requirement, then want more. "I want him to fit in with my family and do all the things I love to do—and he should be sexy, and he should take me out to cool places." I think you can have an even more fulfilling relationship if you respect each other's worlds, and learn a little bit from each other. I always think of the phrase, "You've met your match." You really do want someone who challenges and spars with you. —Nancy Slotnick, dating coach, founder of cablight.com

I recently asked myself: What would social science have to say to a matchmaker? Damn little. Measures of personality don't predict anything, but how people interact does. Couples need to feel they are building something together that has meaning. How does a relationship support what you see as a mission in life? This is the existential part. You must also connect emotionally. How much do you respond to each other's bids for attention? Does your partner turn toward you with equal enthusiasm? You need to ask questions and constantly update your knowledge of one another. And you need the ability to hear your partner's delight and take it in. —John Gottman, founder-director of the Relationship Research Institute, Seattle

The biggest reason people get divorced is they grow apart. I don't see many marriages that can be saved, and I don't know that it's possible to save marriages. Counseling doesn't work; by the time couples get to the lawyer, their positions are very hardened. —Raoul Felder, divorce lawyer who has presided over the dissolution of some 8,000 marriages

A couple needs to be within one standard deviation of each other in intelligence (10 points in either direction). —Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony.com and creator of a questionnaire that attempts to match couples

Personality is important, but no one really knows how to match personalities up. People are sometimes attracted to like personalities and sometimes to different ones. Relationship skills, on the other hand, can always be improved, and they'll help any two people—with any two personalities—to get along better. —Robert Epstein, PT West Coast editor

If a man comes home late, his wife may get angry and ask, "Why didn't you call?" Instead, she could say, "Honey, I was worried about you. Did something happen?" People must look for the best in each other. —Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, author of The Committed Marriage, and founder and president of Hineni, an organization fostering Jewish heritage

There is no such thing as a compatible couple. All couples disagree about the same things: money, sex, kids, time. So, it's really about how you manage your differences. If there is chemistry, then the whole courtship is about convincing yourself and others that you are compatible. But, really, you create compatibility. And then, eventually, maybe in 25 years, you will become soul mates. —Diane Sollee, founder and director, Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education

People might agonize and think, Do we have the same likes and dislikes? But people are not aware of how powerful self-fulfilling prophecies are. We have expectations in a relationship, and we tend to make them come true. The most satisfied couples are those with overly rosy views of each other. —Lisa Diamond, assistant professor of psychology and gender studies, University of Utah.

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21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves

Introduction

Someone once said (I'm not sure, but I think it might have been my mother!), that a new born baby is the only new product on the market today that leaks at both ends, and yet you can't take it back. Even though we can't, all of us parents have probably at one time or another wanted to do just that. Like it or not-and I believe that it is perfectly normal to not like it at times-we have all been given the honor, the responsibility, and the privilege, of taking a "new product" that is far from perfect, far from complete, and applying our influences to create a healthy, responsible, productive human being. No instruction booklet comes with this new and incomplete product, and much of the time we may feel like we are on our own to complete the assembly process.

There are many qualities and characteristics that a new born baby does not have that we parents are assigned the task of developing and creating; just to name a few; self control, independence, healthy self esteem, values, morals, and an attitude of responsibility. Because we are our kids' parents, it is our responsibility to make sure that these and many other characteristics are put in place and activated in their lives before they leave our home and our care.

Doing all that is required of us as parents is what this guidebook to raising great kids is all about. In it you will find no easy answers, no simple solutions. In fact, you might even at times be frustrated since reading this guidebook will ask you to look more at yourself and your efforts to be better parents, than at your kids and their behaviors. I cannot assure that all of your questions will be answered, or that everything you need to know to raise great kids will be found here. But I can assure you that in this guide to raising great kids, you will read about a great many ideas that will help you in your task, your responsibility, and your privilege of being the parent of your kids.

I can hear the skeptics now! "Yeah, right! All I have to do is follow the recipe found in this guy's book, and all my fears and problems as a parent will cease to exist! All I have to do is what this guy says works, and I can be a successful parent". "Nothing"' the skeptic goes on to think, " can be that easy".

The skeptics are right. Nothing, especially being the kind of parent our kids need can be that easy. There are no simple formulas that will alleviate the necessity of good old fashion hard work and sacrifice. The point of this guide is not to make parenting easy, but rather to just make good parenting a possibility. As parents entering the twenty first century, we desperately need a fighting chance in helping our kids grow up to be healthy and emotionally prosperous adults. The competition against our being successful at our task of parenting has never been greater. Never before have the odds been so stacked against our favor. What follows is not simple, but is simply a guide, an outline, if you will, that I strongly believe will bring the odds of being the successful parent you want to be back to your favor. Mistakes will still be made (I know that all too well first hand), but if you commit to doing what is suggested here in this guide to parenting, then your chances of succeeding at raising great kids will be enhanced, even though mistakes will still be made.

A core ingredient in raising great kids is self-esteem. I know that this term can easily be over used and misused The fact is, though, that kids who grow up having a clear and well balanced estimate of their worth and value, have a much better shot at growing up healthy and well-adjusted. Likewise, kids who are constantly wondering where they fit-if indeed, they fit at all-will have a more difficult time coping with the many pitfalls and struggles they will face in life.

When it comes to self-esteem and our kids, I have become convinced of three things: first, that the truly happy and healthy kids in this world are not necessarily those with fewer struggles; nor are they those with the greatest opportunities. The healthiest and greatest kids are those who know how to deal effectively with life's struggles. What lies at the core of our kids' ability to cope and deal well with "life's curve balls" is a strong sense of their own value and worth-a healthy and well-balanced self-esteem.

Secondly, I am convinced that our kids actually deserve to feel good about themselves, not because they are pretty or handsome, not even because they are intelligent. Our kids deserve to feel good about themselves not because their tennis shoes pump up as well as tie, or because of the label on their jeans. And they should not even have to earn the right to feel good about themselves by living up to the expectations we have of them. Our kids deserve to feel good about themselves simply because they are, simply because they exist. This does not mean that when they blow it, that our feeling disappointed, mad, hurt, or maybe even disgusted, is not appropriate and understandable. These negative responses, either from us or even from themselves, are indeed at times inevitable. Such necessary and appropriate negative responses do not, however, have to break their spirit or damage their self-esteem.

The third conviction I have is this: Our kids' self-esteem is designed. It doesn't just happen, it's not primarily genetics, and it's not luck of the draw. It's learned, and in large part, it is learned through our efforts to design how it is they grow up feeling about themselves. Our influence comes through our interactions with them and our messages to them about how we view and value them. Most often, the messages we send to our kids are subtle and often they are unconscious, but nonetheless, they help shape their view of themselves over a period of time.

Several years ago, I had the opportunity to observe the parenting skills of a mom and dad who had an office next to mine. During the time that I knew them both, their son would often spend time in their office after school and on the weekends. Every time he came, I became increasingly impressed with how they talked with their 10 year old son, how they would respond to him and his questions, how they would discipline him, and how they would treat him with healthy respect and equality, the same they expected from him.

It has never been my manner to comment and respond on the parenting skills of those people around me. I have always assumed that if anyone wanted my opinion, they would ask for it. In this case, however, I decided that this very impressive mom and dad would not mind if I told them what a good job I thought they were doing with their son. Upon complimenting them on their efforts, the mom smiled and related to me that they have often received comments on their son and his well-balanced nature. Invariably, she related, the comments from others would come in the form of something like, "You are so fortunate to have an easy child to raise". She went on to say that for the longest time the tone of the attempted compliment would irritate her since the implication was most often that their successes were due in large part to luck, and that they had given birth to an easy child to raise. One day it occurred to her to respond by smiling and saying, "Thanks. We designed him that way". A point well made since in fact, for the most part, they had designed him to be an "easy child".

This book is about how we parents can give our kids the messages that will help insure that they grow up to become adults who have a healthy view of their value and worth. This task of raising great kids who like themselves is not an easy one for any of us, and there are no guarantees since our influence-while incredibly strong and significant-is only one factor in designing how they develop and grow. How our kids develop is not totally and completely in our hands. Other factors, from genetic predisposition to peer pressures, enter into the mix of influences, too. And it is important to make this point as we begin as well; as they grow, our kids must take responsibility for their actions and their choices. They are not the total product of our mistakes; nor are they the total product of our successes. Rather, our kids are more a product of how they choose to respond to both our successes as their parents, and to our failures, as well.

However, since we are the first influence in their lives, and during their early years when they are so extremely moldable by messages they hear, observations they make, and the experiences they have, we are given an important head start on all the other influences that will soon bombard them. The more we are able to shape who they are before other experiences enter their world, the more likely it is that our positive influence will remain strong and significant when other influences we have little or no control over enter their world. This guidebook is written to insure that our impact on them is positive and constructive, and that our influence in their lives continues throughout their lifetime.

As I wrote my ideas about how to raise great kids-kids who like who they are, know what they have to offer others, and then offer it-I was confronted more than once by my own imperfections as a parent. At times it was painful recalling the flaws in my own efforts to be a successful parent. But then over and over too, I was reminded of how absolutely great (not perfect, but great) our two daughters, Ashley and Allyson have turned out in spite of our shortcomings and mistakes my wife and I made. I think this is because we were always working hard to put into practice the principles you are about to consider in this guidebook.

So I encourage you to set aside any perfectionistic tendencies you might have, and remind yourself as you read that your kids simply do not need perfect parents. What they do need is parents who love them, and who consistently try to be on the right track in their efforts to raise them. It is my hope that the following ideas and suggestions will help you accomplish this very difficult but exciting task.

Any parent who attempts to raise great kids would acknowledge that they are always looking for answers. Too often we fail at our efforts to find some of the answers that will help us become better parents because we are not asking the right questions. Rather than some of the more common questions we often ask ourselves, like, "Where have we gone wrong?", "Why won't Johnny ever listen?", "Why can't my kids be as easy to raise as the neighbor's kids?", "Why do they always prefer being at someone else's home than ours?", and, "Why me?", this first section will focus on some of the other more important questions that we parents must ask ourselves.

The first thing you will notice about all 21 questions, is that each one focuses on our efforts and what we can do, rather than on our kids and how they should change. It has always been a principle of mine that if we want to see a change (growth) in the other person (our kids), we must look at ourselves to see what part we might be playing in actually perpetuating and reinforcing (not causing, but reinforcing) the very behavior or attitude in the other person that we dislike. This principle applies in our role as parents, and as we tweak and fine tune our efforts and attitudes, we will most likely see growth in our kids, and in turn, in our relationship with them. This process of asking ourselves the right questions will help us tweak and fine tune our efforts as parents, and help insure that we will raise absolutely great kids.

As you consider the following 21 questions that successful parents ask themselves, I would also challenge you to focus on your own childhood, and to reexamine your relationship with your parents. A great deal can often be learned about how we parent by looking back at how we ourselves were parented.

The responsibility of raising great kids is an awesome task, but an exciting one, indeed.

21 Questions Successful
Parents Ask Themselves

1. Do I Respect My Kids?

2. What Do My Kids Hear Me Say About Them?

3. Do I Use Guilt To Get My Kids To Do What I Want?

4. Am I Motivated In My Actions Toward My Kids By My Own Guilt Feelings?

5. Do I Make Some Of The Same Mistakes With My Kids That My Parents Made With Me?

6. Do I Encourage Dependency On Myself That Meets My Need To Be Loved?

7. Do I Excessively Protect My Kids?

8. Am I Appropriately Available To My Kids?

9. Do I Focus More On My Kids' Positive, Or Negative Behaviors?

10. Do I Hold Grudges?

11. Am I Able To Say, "I'm Sorry. Will You Forgive Me?

12. " Am I Physical With My Kids?

13. Do I Teach My Kids How To Laugh At Themselves?

14. Do I Teach My Kids That It Is O.K. To Have Their Feelings, No Matter What Those Feelings Are?

15. Do I Encourage My Kids To Help, Even Though When They Do, It May Make The Task Longer, Or May Not Even Turn Out As Well?

16. Do I Show My Kids That They Really Matter?

17. Do I Listen To My Kids?

18. Do I Give My Kids As Many Choices In Life As Possible?

19. When My Kids Disappoint Me, Do They Have To Earn Back My Love And Approval?

20. Do I Establish Appropriate Guidelines Within Which My Kids Can Freely Function?

21. Do I Keep In Mind That It Is Normal For My Kids To Challenge My Authority? [via] Read More..

Parenting is more about attitude than approach.

As you read A PARENT'S GUIDE TO RAISING GREAT KIDS, you will find that this book takes a somewhat different approach to parenting than do many books that are on the market today. Most address goals and expectations for parenting that certainly do merit our consideration. And usually they are written to endorse a particular approach to accomplishing those goals and expectations.

The goal and purpose of what you read here, however, is not to suggest or endorse any particular approach we parents can employ in order to persuade, coerce, bribe-or if all else fails-force our kids to do and be what we want them to do and be. Certainly we want them to be respectful of others, to be responsible, polite, ambitious, helpful around the house, and much more.

Of course it is the desire and responsibility of any dedicated parent to help develop a healthy and well balanced self-esteem in their kids, and to encourage them to grow up to be adults who have a sane and reasonable view of what they have to offer. And to do all of this, having an approach that is effective is necessary.

But the purpose of what you will read here is to guide you as a parent to assess and evaluate what attitudes you have toward your kids, and to see how those attitudes are either helping you to be a successful parent, or interfering with your efforts.
As an author, therapist, and dad to two wonderful girls, I have found that it is only as we look closely at our own attitudes that we are then able to “design” great and healthy kids. So here you will be encouraged to look at yourself and your role as a parent to your kids. As you do, your self-assessment will likely help fine tune your attitudes, and in so doing, you will be more equipped to choose the most effective parenting approaches.

AVOIDING ANGER IN KIDS

A common and recurring characteristic I have found in my work with kids over the years is anger. Often, it is unresolved anger that lies behind the self-defeating symptoms that plague so many kids today. Anger in kids is often a natural outcome when we parents use punishment rather than discipline, and parental power rather than the all-important parental authority.

Most parents would agree that to avoid provoking their kids to anger is indeed an important goal. But most would also be quick to add that it is next to impossible to avoid anger altogether. As a responsible parent-so the explanation goes-they have rules, expectations, and standards to which they hold their kids accountable. Inevitably and regularly, they say, their kids become angry in response to their restrictions and expectations.

And I would agree. Not only is avoiding anger in our kids next to impossible, it might even be argued that to do so entirely would require our consistently giving in to them in order to avoid their anger. And even then, eventually they would become angry because we failed to keep them safe and responsible by limiting them. So, avoiding anger in our kids at all costs is not only an impossibility, it is not an option any responsible parent would consider.

The anger in kids we must strive to avoid is the anger that is created when consistently we parents use power rather than authority, and punishment rather than discipline to shape and influence them. The differences between power and authority, as well as punishment and discipline will be clarified in my book.[via] Read More..

The Surprising Truth About Addiction

Change is natural. You no doubt act very differently in many areas of your life now compared with how you did when you were a teenager. Likewise, over time you will probably overcome or ameliorate certain behaviors: a short temper, crippling insecurity.

For some reason, we exempt addiction from our beliefs about change. In both popular and scientific models, addiction is seen as locking you into an inescapable pattern of behavior. Both folk wisdom, as represented by Alcoholics Anonymous, and modern neuroscience regard addiction as a virtually permanent brain disease. No matter how many years ago your uncle Joe had his last drink, he is still considered an alcoholic. The very word addict confers an identity that admits no other possibilities. It incorporates the assumption that you can't, or won't, change.

But this fatalistic thinking about addiction doesn't jibe with the facts. More people overcome addictions than do not. And the vast majority do so without therapy. Quitting may take several tries, and people may not stop smoking, drinking or using drugs altogether. But eventually they succeed in shaking dependence.

Kicking these habits constitutes a dramatic change, but the change need not occur in a dramatic way. So when it comes to addiction treatment, the most effective approaches rely on the counterintuitive principle that less is often more. Successful treatment places the responsibility for change squarely on the individual and acknowledges that positive events in other realms may jump-start change.

Consider the experience of American soldiers returning from the war in Vietnam, where heroin use and addiction was widespread. In 90 percent of cases, when GIs left the pressure cooker of the battle zone, they also shed their addictions—in vivo proof that drug addiction can be just a matter of where in life you are.

Of course, it took more than a plane trip back from Asia for these men to overcome drug addiction. Most soldiers experienced dramatically altered lives when they returned. They left the anxiety, fear and boredom of the war arena and settled back into their home environments. They returned to their families, formed new relationships, developed work skills.

Smoking is at the top of the charts in terms of difficulty of quitting. But the majority of ex-smokers quit without any aid—neither nicotine patches nor gum, Smokenders groups nor hypnotism. (Don't take my word for it; at your next social gathering, ask how many people have quit smoking on their own.) In fact, as many cigarette smokers quit on their own, an even higher percentage of heroin and cocaine addicts and alcoholics quit without treatment. It is simply more difficult to keep these habits going through adulthood. It's hard to go to Disney World with your family while you are shooting heroin. Addicts who quit on their own typically report that they did so in order to achieve normalcy.

Every year, the National Survey on Drug Use and Health interviews Americans about their drug and alcohol habits. Ages 18 to 25 constitute the peak period of drug and alcohol use. In 2002, the latest year for which data are available, 22 percent of Americans between ages 18 and 25 were abusing or were dependent on a substance, versus only 3 percent of those aged 55 to 59. These data show that most people overcome their substance abuse, even though most of them do not enter treatment.

How do we know that the majority aren't seeking treatment? In 1992, the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism conducted one of the largest surveys of substance use ever, sending Census Bureau workers to interview more than 42,000 Americans about their lifetime drug and alcohol use. Of the 4,500-plus respondents who had ever been dependent on alcohol, only 27 percent had gone to treatment of any kind, including Alcoholics Anonymous. In this group, one-third were still abusing alcohol.

Of those who never had any treatment, only about one-quarter were currently diagnosable as alcohol abusers. This study, known as the National Longitudinal Alcohol Epidemiologic Survey, indicates first that treatment is not a cure-all, and second that it is not necessary. The vast majority of Americans who were alcohol dependent, about three-quarters, never underwent treatment. And fewer of them were abusing alcohol than were those who were treated.

This is not to say that treatment can't be useful. But the most successful treatments are nonconfrontational approaches that allow self-propelled change. Psychologists at the University of New Mexico led by William Miller tabulated every controlled study of alcoholism treatment they could find. They concluded that the leading therapy was barely a therapy at all but a quick encounter between patient and health-care worker in an ordinary medical setting. The intervention is sometimes as brief as a doctor looking at the results of liver-function tests and telling a patient to cut down on his drinking. Many patients then decide to cut back—and do!

As brief interventions have evolved, they have become more structured. A physician may simply review the amount the patient drinks, or use a checklist to evaluate the extent of a drinking problem. The doctor then typically recommends and seeks agreement from the patient on a goal (usually reduced drinking rather than complete abstinence). More severe alcoholics would typically be referred out for specialized treatment. A range of options is discussed (such as attending AA, engaging in activities incompatible with drinking or using a self-help manual). A spouse or family member might be involved in the planning. The patient is then scheduled for a future visit, where progress can be checked. A case monitor might call every few weeks to see whether the person has any questions or problems.

The second most effective approach is motivational enhancement, also called motivational interviewing. This technique throws the decision to quit or reduce drinking—and to find the best methods for doing so—back on the individual. In this case, the therapist asks targeted questions that prompt the individual to reflect on his drinking in terms of his own values and goals. When patients resist, the therapist does not argue with the individual but explores the person's ambivalence about change so as to allow him or her to draw his own conclusions: "You say that you like to be in control of your behavior, yet you feel when you drink you are often not in charge. Could you just clarify that for me?"

Miller's team found that the list of most effective treatments for alcoholism included a few more surprises. Self-help manuals were highly successful. So was the community-reinforcement approach, which addresses the person's capacity to deal with life, notably marital relationships, work issues (such as simply getting a job), leisure planning and social-group formation (a buddy might be provided, as in AA, as a resource to encourage sobriety). The focus is on developing life skills, such as resisting pressures to drink, coping with stress (at work and in relationships) and building communication skills.

These findings square with what we know about change in other areas of life: People change when they want it badly enough and when they feel strong enough to face the challenge, not when they're humiliated or coerced. An approach that empowers and offers positive reinforcement is preferable to one that strips the individual of agency. These techniques are most likely to elicit real changes, however short of perfect and hard-won they may be.


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The New Sex Scorecard (page1)

Get out the spittoon. Men produce twice as much saliva as women. Women, for their part, learn to speak earlier, know more words, recall them better, pause less and glide through tongue twisters.

Put aside Simone de Beauvoir's famous dictum, "One is not born a woman but rather becomes one." Science suggests otherwise, and it's driving a whole new view of who and what we are. Males and females, it turns out, are different from the moment of conception, and the difference shows itself in every system of body and brain.

It's safe to talk about sex differences again. Of course, it's the oldest story in the world. And the newest. But for a while it was also the most treacherous. Now it may be the most urgent. The next stage of progress against disorders as disabling as depression and heart disease rests on cracking the binary code of biology. Most common conditions are marked by pronounced gender differences in incidence or appearance.

Although sex differences in brain and body take their inspiration from the central agenda of reproduction, they don't end there. "We've practiced medicine as though only a woman's breasts, uterus and ovaries made her unique -- and as though her heart, brain and every other part of her body were identical to those of a man," says Marianne J. Legato, M.D., a cardiologist at Columbia University who spearheads the new push on gender differences. Legato notes that women live longer but break down more.

Do we need to explain that difference doesn't imply superiority or inferiority? Although sex differences may provide ammunition for David Letterman or the Simpsons, they unfold in the most private recesses of our lives, surreptitiously molding our responses to everything from stress to space to speech. Yet there are some ways the sexes are becoming more alike -- they are now both engaging in the same kind of infidelity, one that is equally threatening to their marriages.

Everyone gains from the new imperative to explore sex differences. When we know why depression favors women two to one, or why the symptoms of heart disease literally hit women in the gut, it will change our understanding of how our bodies and our minds work.

The Gene Scene

Whatever sets men and women apart, it all starts with a single chromosome: the male-making Y, a puny thread bearing a paltry 25 genes, compared with the lavish female X, studded with 1,000 to 1,500 genes. But the Y guy trumps. He has a gene dubbed Sry, which, if all goes well, instigates an Olympic relay of development. It commands primitive fetal tissue to become testes, and they then spread word of masculinity out to the provinces via their chief product, testosterone. The circulating hormone not only masculinizes the body but affects the developing brain, influencing the size of specific structures and the wiring of nerve cells.

But sex genes themselves don't cede everything to hormones. Over the past few years, scientists have come to believe that they too play ongoing roles in gender-flavoring the brain and behavior.

Females, it turns out, appear to have backup genes that protect their brains from big trouble. To level the genetic playing field between men and women, nature normally shuts off one of the two X chromosomes in every cell in females. But about 19 percent of genes escape inactivation; cells get a double dose of some X genes. Having fall-back genes may explain why females are far less subject than males to mental disorders from autism to schizophrenia.

What's more, which X gene of a pair is inactivated makes a difference in the way female and male brains respond to things, says neurophysiologist Arthur P. Arnold, Ph.D., of the University of California at Los Angeles. In some cases, the X gene donated by Dad is nullified; in other cases it's the X from Mom. The parent from whom a woman gets her working genes determines how robust her genes are. Paternal genes ramp up the genetic volume, maternal genes tune it down. This is known as genomic imprinting of the chromosome.

For many functions, it doesn't matter which sex genes you have or from whom you get them. But the Y chromosome itself spurs the brain to grow extra dopamine neurons, Arnold says. These nerve cells are involved in reward and motivation, and dopamine release underlies the pleasure of addiction and novelty seeking. Dopamine neurons also affect motor skills and go awry in Parkinson's disease, a disorder that afflicts twice as many males as females.

XY makeup also boosts the density of vasopressin fibers in the brain. Vasopressin is a hormone that both abets and minimizes sex differences; in some circuits it fosters parental behavior in males; in others it may spur aggression.

Sex on the Brain

Ruben Gur, Ph.D., always wanted to do the kind of psychological research that when he found something new, no one could say his grandmother already knew it. Well, "My grandmother couldn't tell you that women have a higher percentage of gray matter in their brains," he says. Nor could she explain how that discovery resolves a long-standing puzzle.

Gur's discovery that females have about 15 to 20 percent more gray matter than males suddenly made sense of another major sex difference: Men, overall, have larger brains than women (their heads and bodies are larger), but the sexes score equally well on tests of intelligence.

Gray matter, made up of the bodies of nerve cells and their connecting dendrites, is where the brain's heavy lifting is done. The female brain is more densely packed with neurons and dendrites, providing concentrated processing power -- and more thought-linking capability.

The larger male cranium is filled with more white matter and cerebrospinal fluid. "That fluid is probably helpful," says Gur, director of the Brain Behavior Laboratory at the University of Pennsylvania. "It cushions the brain, and men are more likely to get their heads banged about."

White matter, made of the long arms of neurons encased in a protective film of fat, helps distribute processing throughout the brain. It gives males superiority at spatial reasoning. White matter also carries fibers that inhibit "information spread" in the cortex. That allows a single-mindedness that spatial problems require, especially difficult ones. The harder a spatial task, Gur finds, the more circumscribed the right-sided brain activation in males, but not in females. The white matter advantage of males, he believes, suppresses activation of areas that could interfere with work.

The white matter in women's brains is concentrated in the corpus callosum, which links the brain's hemispheres, and enables the right side of the brain to pitch in on language tasks. The more difficult the verbal task, the more global the neural participation required -- a response that's stronger in females.


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